Telling a struggle for the first time

  

As a leader, have you ever experienced the weight of keeping a story of failure or weakness to yourself?

The pressure of maintaining a perfect image, the fear of losing authority, and the shame of admitting that you don't have it all figured out.

The weight can be too heavy to bear.

And, what’s more, is that by keeping these experiences to yourself, you harm your team and organization.

"By hiding your failures, you send the message that perfection is the only acceptable standard and that mistakes and setbacks should be swept under the rug."

By hiding your failures, you send the message that perfection is the only acceptable standard and that mistakes and setbacks should be swept under the rug. This creates a toxic culture where team members feel afraid to take risks, share their failures, and learn from them. It can also make you seem unapproachable, leading to a lack of trust and connection with your team.

On the other hand, sharing stories of failure and weakness can promote accountability and humanize leaders.

By showing vulnerability and admitting mistakes, you are modeling the behavior you want to see in others and creating a safe space for them to do the same. This can lead to increased empathy, resilience, and innovation within your team and organization.

Today we'll explore the idea that sharing stories of failure and weakness can positively impact individuals and organizations. I'll also address cultural differences and objections to this approach, particularly in Albania, and provide practical tips for leaders who want to start breaking the ice and fostering a culture of accountability. Let’s dive in.

The Challenges of Opening Up

At the Leadership Forum, a network of leaders in the Western Balkans, Brunilda Isaj, one of the panelists at the October 2023 panel on "Integrity Matters," wisely pointed out that there are inherent difficulties in telling an open and honest anecdote of failure and weakness in organizational contexts.

What makes it challenging to tell a story of a failure?

Confidentiality

First, it's often difficult to tell a story with much candor without violating confidentiality. All of us have made commitments to maintain confidentiality at some point. Some ditch these commitments as soon as they sign a new contract. Leaders associated with the leadership forum brand seek to keep these commitments.

This Doesn’t Work in Albania

When I have this conversation with people for the first time, I often hear this objection, “Josh, maybe that works in the US or somewhere but not in Albania.”

"By doing so, leaders demonstrate that they are not above the law and that they take responsibility for their actions."

In cultures where dominant or authoritarian leadership is the norm, the idea of leaders being vulnerable and open about their failures may seem counterintuitive. Leaders may still maintain a dominant persona while also showing accountability by admitting and addressing failures. By doing so, leaders demonstrate that they are not above the law and that they take responsibility for their actions. This can foster a culture of accountability throughout the organization, where others are also encouraged to be open and honest about their mistakes. 

Will it come back to bite me?

I'm aware that posting what I plan to post next week could disqualify me from a job at some point. A potential employer could look at it and say:

"Josh is too undependable."

OR

"Josh is too hard on himself."

OR

"Josh is too soft on himself."

OR

"Josh is too open. That makes me uncomfortable."

I've counted this cost, and I'm okay with my story being out there. And the other person in my story—my wife—is also OK with this. I'd rather miss an opportunity with a potential employer than go through life not being known for the person I am. That's me.

You might be wondering to yourself, with the potential costs involved, why should I share a failure? 

An Example from Howard Schultz

In his book "From the Ground Up," Starbucks former CEO Howard Schultz shares a personal story about his father's addiction to alcohol and painkillers. This experience had a profound impact on Schultz's leadership style and inspired him to prioritize empathy and compassion for others. 

"During a company-wide meeting, Schultz spoke openly about his family's struggles"

During a company-wide meeting, Schultz spoke openly about his family's struggles, demonstrating vulnerability and authenticity, which created a safe environment for his employees to do the same.

Schultz not only shared his personal experiences but also encouraged vulnerability in his employees. He emphasized the importance of creating an environment where employees felt comfortable sharing their opinions and ideas, even if they were different from the norm. This approach allowed Starbucks to innovate and grow, as ideas from all levels of the organization were heard and considered.

While Schultz's example is from the United States, the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in leadership is universal. Leaders who are willing to share their personal experiences and encourage vulnerability in others create a culture of trust and openness that can lead to increased innovation and success in any region.

Breaking the Ice

“Where do I start?”

Rather than starting by sharing a story of failure, you might consider it as a first step simply telling your team something human about yourself or connecting with others in a culturally appropriate way.

A few years ago, I sat with a Director of Sales as over 20 sales reps entered the room in groups of two or three to make presentations. He greeted them by name and made a personal connection of where they were from. “I love the meat in your area,” he said to a man from Dajti. “I can’t wait to get back to the beaches this summer,” he told employees from the southern coastal region. In each case, we quickly transitioned to listening to their presentation and giving our feedback. Yet a personal connection had been re-established.

Preparing to Tell a Story of Struggle

Ready to get started?

Before you tell a story of failure for the first time, here are a few steps to consider.

1. Acknowledge the benefits: Since telling and listening to this type of story can be uncomfortable, it's essential to remind your team of the positive impact of sharing stories of failure and weakness. It creates a culture of trust and innovation and humanizes leaders.
2. Find the right time and place: Look for appropriate opportunities, such as a team meeting or one-on-one conversation, where you can share your story. Choose a safe environment where people feel comfortable speaking up.
3. Be prepared: This will help you keep the story brief and avoid rambling.
4. Practice empathy: Be aware of the impact of your story on others. Be open to hearing their perspectives and feelings.
5. Show accountability: Take responsibility for your mistakes and explain how you plan to address them. This is not just about sharing a story. It’s about increasing accountability.

Wrapping up

By sharing your personal stories of accountability failure, you can promote empathy, resilience, and innovation within your team and organization. Start by focusing on being honest, vulnerable, and transparent, and avoid implicating others who may not be ready to tell their own stories. Remember that accountability is a key part of effective leadership, and by showing accountability, you can inspire others to do the same. 

Now, it’s Your Turn

Want to engage more? It will take less than two minutes.

1. Breathe. Yes. Breathe. We do this each time it's your turn. I got an adrenaline rush writing that last one, and I need to slow down. I'm doing this with you at a different time (January 30 at 2 pm). Four deep breaths. In and out.
2. Observe. What would be the cost of your telling about a failure you've had in accountability? Complete this sentence: I could never tell someone about a struggle because if I did, then _________________________.

Go Deeper

This section might not be easy. It may be gut-wrenching and soul-searching. You are worth it!

Reflect. A few steps this time:

1.     Take the sentence you wrote from the "Your Turn" section. Keep in mind your fear, your concern, or your failure.

2.     Watch this clip from the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance with Will Smith and Matt Damson. I've never played golf in my life unless miniature golf counts! But all of us can relate to the conversation between them on the golf course about something Matt Damon fears.

3.      After you watch the clip, take a few moments to reflect on these questions:

Ø  What would it be like to replay in your mind whatever you find difficult to face?

Ø  Where were you?

Ø  What holds you back?

4.       Take a few minutes to write down your thoughts.

Just for Fun, Just for You

Do you take life too seriously? If so, this section is for you.

Did you grow up playing golf?

If so, stand up. Close your eyes. Please pick up your club (I know you don't have it with you. Use your imagination.) Now take the swing and picture the best shot of your life.

I didn't grow up playing golf, so I imagine my best basketball shot ever – A Steph Curry step-back three-pointer!

What about you? What did you do?